High Desert Jezebel

I didn't know when I last posted that my dad had only twelve days left to live. He died October 5th, during my birthday party. I didn't find out until the next day, two days before my actual birthday, already a bad day because Johnny and I had a bad time the night before. I called my mom and had her tell my sister so that my uncle wouldn't have to. They cremated him a few days later. I didn't come home for that. My uncle and my brother sent me money so we could fly up just before Halloween so we could come to the memorial. We made jokes about him and dumped some of his ashes into the creek at Ed's house. I felt bad for my aunt and uncles. I cry a lot lately when no one's around. It's not all for my dad; this year has been a bad one for a lot of reasons and I think it finally got me. Bike trouble, disheartening job hunts, no car, no cash, a lot of people dying. I feel like I'm so far down I can't get up anymore. I've lost hope. I'm tryin...

This is something I wrote in my journal and, in the moment, at least, want to share. It's a little disjointed but I feel like it means something for me. Like it shows my life more clearly than I'm often able to share. 6:25AM - I'm at Satellite so early that they haven't even put out the patio chairs yet. There was only one other customer when I walked in a few minutes ago (now there are three). It's so quiet, and the music is soothing and hopeful this morning. My walk up here was wonderful. The sunrise was just beginning to light up the edges of the sky behind black mountains in the distance, but the rest of town was still in night. It was cold outside and I wore my hat and my shemagh and my black hoodie under my vest. I carried my mp3 player in my hand to fold the faulty cord in place and listened to the Gin Blossoms play. I just finished reading a zine-book called Indestructible about the author's high school years, her queer/bi-ness, her struggle with her...

Time flies when you’re working your ass off! The situation has changed a lot since the last post. Instead of banging my head up against a wall because I’m unemployed and broke, I’m now banging my head up against a wall because I’m employed and broke. I got hired on at a taco shop part time, but the night shift worker walked out two days before the manager’s vacation started and guess who got to fill in for the eleven hour shifts? It came right after I found out the I was being billed as an out-of-state student at UNM and had to drop out for the semester, so it was actually welcome news. Still, it was exhausting, and downtown Albuquerque at 2:30AM is nuts, but it’s over now and I’m back to my normal part-time schedule (hey, for punk rock former travellers, that’s about as strong a work commitment as you can hope for!). We got our new apartment (moved in on the second) which is what put the pressure on when I realized I wasn’t getting student loans. Jessie, our gracious hippie...

I just dropped off the physical copy of my transcript that I had to go pick up at CNM after the one the sent electronically couldn't be found by UNM and received the wonderful news that it will take two weeks to process. That's another two weeks before I can enroll in classes and another two weeks before I'll be able to get any sort of financial aid. I did drop off some more applications but the general consensus seems to be that "we'll need some people after the fall term starts up again next month." Okay, I get it. I'm taking a vacation. I just have to decide if I want to head west for beaches or north to visit friends in Denver that I was supposed to see in April or May. I may be able to catch a ride with friends in one direction or the other to jump start the trip. I just can't imagine staying in Albuquerque another month with no way to make money; I'm so broke I can't even wash my clothes! I had to wash panties in the bathtub just to h...

Happy day before the 4th-of-July! I'm just relieved that the art fair is in the past. For as half-assed as it was in many ways, I have to say that I think it was a success. Everyone sold something and no one seemed to mind the ninety-nine degree heat. Vick showed up in cut-off swim trunks, exposing dozens of fresh homemade tattoos and my old favorite down his leg that reads "Victory In The Sense Of Failure." He waved down traffic in his shorty-shorts which was perfect for Pride day and once Erica was done with the parade stuff she joined him (I think her fuschia-covered chest actually got us less traffic because the drivers were too distracted staring at her boobs to read the sign!). Johnny seemed to be having a really good time just talking to people and drinking cold beers in the hot shade from the car port. It was byob and that lent things a fun, party-like aspect so the crowd of friends grew throughout the afternoon, which attracted passers-by to both the art and into...

Another day, another three or four hours spent sitting at Satellite Coffee. We've pretty much resigned ourselves to the idea that we live here again. I rewrote my resume yesterday and am planning to go around looking for a job as soon as I can get copies printed and pull some work clothes together. We need to go up to the SSI office and transfer Johnny's information here before Ohio cuts him off. I'm planning to enroll in UNM for either a creative writing or fine arts degree (maybe both), I'm just waiting because I don't have money to pay the application fee. Honestly, I look forward to being back in school and I've been having a lot of fun making art and seeing all the people I missed while I was in Ohio, I just need to get a little more on the ball with making money and art and writing; sleeping until two in the afternoon is a great way to waste your life. With less than five days until the art fair I've been scrambling to get things together. I've t...

Wow, it's been awhile since I posted anything here, hasn't it? The past two years were strange. I was so intent on moving to Ohio and disappointed that Johnny was so unhappy there; there were so many good qualities there but not the right good qualities: friends, a community, kindness. And being near my family, the original reason for moving up there, turned out to be just stressful for me when I couldn't help them (you can't fix people's lives!). So after much talk and planning we left on a cross-country motorcycle trip, had an awesome time for about two weeks, then broke down here in New Mexico. Back in Albuquerque! I suppose it's the best place it could have happened. It's such a relief to have friends who know us and really care for us, to have the understanding art community, and even just to be out of that midwestern buggy humidity. The desert is more home now than my hometown (though I do get sly joy from rocking the Gummo shirt for a sort of pervers...